Finding the Space to Heal

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It's been mere months since my past conception and since my first baby passed away and I was left heartbroken and overwhelmed; not sure how to handle the situation. I had a great support system in place with my husband, family and friends. However, I still felt lost within myself and wish someone had given me advice on what on earth to do. What was once joyful tears turned into painful tears. 

So I took the best possible advice from my mother and distracted my myself  by staying busy with work, while I put blogging and podcasting on hold. The intention to stay busy was to not dwell on the experience and memories, but they always found a place, time and day where tears would stream down my face. I would wipe them off quickly, telling myself, I am strong and I will be okay, but the truth was, I was lost and disconnected.

I didn't know how to handle the wave of emotions: happy, angry, upset, sad, fear, uncertain and the list goes on.  I tried to lean on my own understanding of things and at times I felt normal again, but the current kept swirling me down as I tried to come up for air. It literally took 11 months to finally wake up and get reconnected with my faith, myself, relationships, and my passion. Every month was a small progress because admittedly I still struggled because people, places and things (environments) can trigger the experience all over again. I decided to stop leaning into my own understanding and started recognizing  God's understanding.

If you happen to be a women that can relate or just recently went through a miscarriage, I put together some small steps to help you process the agony and begin the healing phases.

1. Acknowledge your loss, don't suppress it from your body and mind. Everything else in life can be place on hold, while you acknowledge the grief, but don't hang on to the darkness, let go and dive into the healing phase. Remember you have been a mother since you conceived and don't think anything less of it. 

2. Don't disconnect from yourself, be isolated or feel like a complete failure. Instead acknowledge your feelings and practice positive affirmations. A women often gets told by a physician a miscarriage is more common than you know, but no one really talks about it, the good news is you were able to get pregnant, so that mean your fertile. Stay confident and believe. 

3. Communicate with your husband, partner and boyfriend because they may experience a different type of loss, but they will be the best support system at first hand and constantly provide positive reinforcement and love you for being you.

4. If you are able to and strong enough, gather your closest relative and friends. It really doesn't matter who, as long as you have women you can trust. Because no matter how sympathetic a man can be, a woman will understand you in a very different way. Part the healing lies in fully comprehending the loss, all its implications, navigating the train wreck and gaining perspective from the life outcome. 

5. Do a special ceremony to celebrate the life and loss of your baby and the re-birth of your strength. You can do this alone in an intimate setting like the beach, mountain or lake. You can also be accompanied by your partner. 

6. Stay connected to your faith and begin journaling. If you never practice reading the bible, I highly recommend the following book: Savor Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You are  and buy a journal, so you can journal your emotions, thoughts and feelings. Journaling will help release emotions, so you can honor, acknowledge it and pray on it. 

7. Find a women's healing support group with meditation, deep breathing and yoga. If your a local San Diegan, I recommend the Pow Wow Womens Retreat. This experience was one of a kind for my soul, spirit and faith. I've been yearning for a group like this one and look forward to my next encounter. 

8. Be mindful with yourself and take the time to get over it. Grief affects everyone differently. Go with your own flow in what feels normal and take the time to nourish, grow and heal. Remember to  Own and Honor your vulnerable experiences because eventually you will bloom into a warrior. If you feel anxiety or depression build up, seek professional help and contact a  counselor, therapist or psychologist through your insurance. 

9. Take Care of Yourself and it should go without saying, that there will be days you just don't give a fuck..but it's too easy to let grief win because it can be vile and  become a heartbroken place to be. Do yourself the favor and nourish your body as much as you can, I know at the beginning it will be hard because you merely won't have an appetitie for anything and at times it will be hard to get out of bed and shower, but even if things get pointless, keep going and persist on getting better because it will help make your stronger. Do it for yourself and honor the baby that you will not let yourself go.

10. Expect the unexpected like not wanting to be intimate with your partner right away because a fear of uncertainty truly does exist, but when you allow yourself to heal over time, the intimacy will become passionate again because you both have survived a personal loss together. 

The Call
This is a call to all women who's heart beat with desire and are willing to love deeply, to be in a place of openness and vulnerability and let others love them back (  

The loss of a child in pregnancy is a terrible tragedy and one that can never be erased. If it's happened to you, your part of the Warrior Moms Club. Your life was altered the moment conception took place in your uterus, you are a Mom, and it's heartbreaking that you haven't had the child to show for it. Yet God will teach you, the pain can still be wrought, even if this pain is to share your story with others, so that understanding and compassion can be spread and be able to offer a shred of comfort and hope to a young women suddenly faced with an unborn child and all that entails. 

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